Stripperella

Caterpillars. That's what my guts felt like as I traveled to work in the back of my friend's car. They were wiggling, jiggling and making me want to puke. Then they cocooned their selves and my nerves were at ease for the moment. We stopped at the gas station to pick up some gum and those damn caterpillars turned into butterflies were they fluttered in my stomach until I opened the two sets of metal doors. Walking up stairs to the office I passed a mirror. My hair looked good, my outfit was cute. I had gotten a text earlier in the day from the head honcho "Just a reminder ladies, tonight is our back to school naughty school girl party" which had thrown me into panic because I had already picked my outfit and needed to start over. Clothes were flying in the air as I went through my laundry basket that I still had yet to fold or hang and put away. Naughty School Girl, Naughty School Girl GAAAH! I have nothing school girl-ish. I need to go shopping. Luckily I managed to settle with a purple and black plaid business shirt that has a black 'belt' and luckily if I unbutton the only two buttons it gave a nice view of my cleavage. A pair of white shorts and some black heels, curly hair and I was good to go. I decided to pick up all the clothes later when I got home but I didn't. Instead I went straight for the bath room and took a steaming hot bath. It felt amazing. I turned the events of the night over in my head while I deeply and meditatively breathed. Once an hour we have a 'cock tail dance' to get the customers amped. The faces of the other cock tails don't match up with names just yet but that will come in time. Don't piss off the bar tenders, or the other cock tails, or the dancers. Beer prices jumped a quarter and dancer's drinks became one big jungle juice party in my head. I didn't spill any drinks but I did mess up one beer, instead of a bud light, I had asked for a Budweiser and the female customer got upset, back to the bar I went mad at myself because that was going to be money out of my tips. Apparently I was pouting and one of the regulars asked me what was wrong I told him I made a mistake and asked for the wrong beverage. He knew what that meant and quickly pulled out his wallet and purchased the beer from me and gave me an extra dollar tip. That isn't always going to happen so I need to be more careful next time, listen more closely. I thanked him "Don't worry about it, people are too picky about beer when it all does the same thing." He smiled at me and winked. Last thing I need to do is abuse alcohol by pouring it down the drain and then having to pay for it with my own tips.  "Need to split your tips into two piles, fold them in half and then shove them into the sides of your bra." The little bouncing bar tender was leaning over the bar and motioning with her hands the placement of where to put the folds of ones, fives and tens. I looked down at my breasts. I don't have a large chest so that little tip was actually a huge help, I did as she said and she gave me a thumbs up "Niiiice!" her smile was beautiful "Anything you gotta do to pull in the money, honey!" My breasts did look larger, "Now when you talk to the customers sitting in the chairs, lean down so they can see down your shirt." five dollar tip "And if they engage in conversation crouch down so that their face is above yours and they see down your shirt and some legs" three dollar tip and a drink order from the man who saw my thong as he sat behind me. "Be flirtatious!" two dollar tip "Dance when you walk!" two invitations to be danced with "Smile.. with your eyes!!" a phone number. "Snag and hook your customers with your charisma" Repeat orders, multiple tips, more phone numbers, an invite home, more tips, a playful side hug and a offer to have breakfast in bed. I smiled to myself as I washed the water over my shoulder and back. Then I recalled the twist of my stomach when I saw some guys whom I had gone to high school with. This town is small. Too small. I fondly and often angrily refer to it as a fish bowl. The last thing I wanted to do was run into guys from high school, no scratch that, the last thing I wanted to do was run into guys' girl friends from high school. two sometimes three kids later wearing shirts that are too tight and accentuate how fat they are even though the main reason they squeezed into it in the first place was to feel smaller. While I'm standing in a shirt that shows off my breasts, wearing short shorts and heels that elongate my legs. I could feel their hatred penetrate me from across the bar. Every time I walked by their eyes were on me even though I intentionally kept my attention averted else where. I can feel it, the rumors and going to start flying. That's another thing about this town, once someone finds out about some dirty little secret, it's only a matter of time before every one knows it. "You're a stripper." it sounded more like an accusation rather than a question. "No, I'm a cock tail waitress." I grabbed the steins I just ordered for a table of two older gentlemen and turned on my heels, as I did so I made eye contact with one of the guys I went to high school with, the guy who asked me if I was a stripper. He clapped his hands together and licked his lips "Shame, I was hoping to get to see more of you." he looked me up and down and nodded his head. "Excuse me, I have work to do." Even sitting in the bath tub thinking about that short conversation made my stomach sick. I really hated that guy in high school although I don't hate him now, I still don't like him. I drained the water and dried off, hopped directly into bed and shut my eyes. Music still swirled in my mind, strobe lights illuminated smiling faces and whispers of jealousy circled. I drifted to sleep.

Ray of Sunshine

This is it. Deep breath, hold it. One, two, three. The metal handle beneath my hand felt so icy as I swing the door back. This is torture, there's another big metal door Okay, This is it. exhale. I stepped over the threshold and I'm in a different world. First glance, I see the bar, I see some customers laughing at a private joke that isn't so private, the speak loudly, drunkenly. "Hey how's it going!! What can I do for you?" The bar tender yells over the music and leans closely to hear my request. "Are you guys looking for waitresses?" Some how I managed to clear the log in my throat to utter those six words. "YEAH! Here, take an application! I'll talk to the manager once you bring it in!" I smiled widely, "Thank you!" and walk out. That wasn't so bad Kelli Ray, Easy Cheese! I walk out of the club and back into the real world. Grinning. I Look across the parking lot and Keith is on his motor cycle looking at me quizzically. I make the application dance in front of me and he smiles back at me. "Looky what I've got." "Miss Ray that's great!" We talk and I giggle with excitement as he smokes his cigarette. So this is it, one last place to stop on my list of potential jobs. "Hey Guys, How are you doing tonight?" I spin on my heels to find a man not much taller than I, Medium build, he's an older gentleman, looks like he's in his thirties, the name tag says he's Frank, the manager. "Doing pretty good now that I'm going to be your best cocktail waitress." I smile shyly "Oh Really?" He smiles back at me, "When are you starting?" he asks as he takes a long drag from his cigarette "As soon as you need me to." I can't push aside the arrogance in my voice. He looks me up and down "How about tomorrow night at seven? Lets go get you some home work to study tonight." He motions with his head back to the club, when he turns I follow him. Back through those metal doors, back into their world, up the stairs and into a small office. He sits at the desk and I take the first seat in front of him. "What's your name doll?" "Kelli Ray." "Have you ever worked as a cocktail waitress before?" "No, I've been a waitress, but not in a bar or a club like this." "You learn fast?" "I pick up what I need." "Good, good. When you come to work, leave the bullshit at the door, you can be who ever you want to be here. Create a character, be her. She needs to be fun, energetic and flirtatious." I smile as he continues "Anyone you want to be, don't let the customers know any real information about you. You're not allowed to give out your number but you may take numbers, you're not obligated to talk to them outside of work and I don't suggest it. Dress code is black and sexy, no jeans. Be here tomorrow night at seven p.m we'll run a quick training after we scan your ID and copy your social." "Thanks Frank." "Not a problem Kelli, we're like a family here and we do our best to take care of our family."

After our initial meeting I float out of the club. I've got a job. It'll do for now, but we'll see if I can manage it. Keith is still waiting. "You get the job Miss Ray." it wasn't a question but I answer it like it is "Yep, and I'm starting tomorrow night." "So does that mean I get a lap dance." "I'm not a stripper Keith, don't make me smack you." He laughs and fires up the motorcycle. I jump on, placing my heels on the edge of the foot holds to keep my legs from bouncing. "I'm in looove with a stripperrr!" "I'M NOT A STRIPPER KEITH!" I yell as we take off and my words are lost in the wind but I know he heard me, he tips his head back and laughs deeply. My whole world is changing, the sunshine is peeking through the clouds and washing over me, filling me with appreciation, happiness and letting me know that every thing is going to be okay.

To Go Back or Move Forward

 Leaning against the soft back of that chair I always sit in at the cafe typing rapidly as my thought process picks up. I'm also keeping and eye or more or less, an ear out for that noise. 'tk' There. I wasn't sure where that sound was coming from but it was distracting so I looked up over the lap top. There he was staring at me, he looks so goofy when he grins like that I can't help but to smile back at him. Usually when I grin back we end up in a fit of laughter. I love how predictable we are. "When will you be done with your resume and applications?" he whines because he knows I hate it. "I'll be done when I'm done, how come you haven't worked on your patience?" He grins bigger "Miss Ray you know the answer to that." I roll my eyes, ya I sure do know the answer to that. Keith has never been a patient man. That's one of the reasons why we are best friends. We had dated for some time back in high school and our relationship was good, but when I turned 18 I wanted to do a little soul searching so we went our different ways. I wanted to be with him but not at that moment and he couldn't wait around for a silly girl to figure out who she was. Nor did I ask him to. Years down the road we reconnected and our friendship blossomed, He's one of the few people that I will go out of my way for. It's mutual. 'tk' That sound is really driving me nuts. "Keith, what are you doing?" "Nothing." he answered too quickly "I don't believe you, go buy me a soda." He stands and walks away, I watch him leave. When he rounds the corner he turns in a circle and winks at me. This goofy kid is by far the silliest man child I've ever known. He's good company. Back to my resume, I type out what I need to and double check it like I should. I pause and re read it just to make sure it sounds good. It sounds too good. Even though this process is a pain in the ass I'm actually enjoying it. Day one isn't that bad, it's just putting a metaphorical foot in front of the other metaphorical foot. So far, progress is slow, but I'm getting somewhere.  "I thought you said you were going to give yourself a little bit of time before you jumped right into all of this." That's true I did say I was going to give myself a break for a couple days but I just couldn't. After I had finished my last day of work I was a little upset. I walked home and along the way I decided that I wasn't going to freak out, I wasn't going to cry or feel bad for myself but instead I was just going to do what I needed to do. Find another job. Then I became excited, a new job means new friends, and new work family. Just as each job varies so do the experiences you'll have while in that job. So I went home and celebrated. "I changed my mind." 'tk' "Did you hear that Keith?" "Hear what missy?" "Nothing, never mind I'm going crazy, quit calling me missy." "Ok Miss Ray" 'tk' "So what kind of job are you trying to find?" "Just something that I have to sit at a desk to do." "When are you going to live your own life style." "What are you talking about, I do live my own life style." "Not the one I remember you telling me about." I looked up from the laptop once again. I looked up and up it felt like it took forever for me to look up his tall stature and into those beautiful eyes. That was all it took, one look into his soul and he took me back in time to a night we were star gazing and talking about life. Young and dumb and in love. We shared our thoughts about what the future would hold for us and we talked about the things we wanted to do as careers. Keith had wanted to own his own body shop, he loves working on cars and trucks. I had wanted to never have to step foot in an office. I had a hippie dream of just having little jobs that I could do through out the week. Floral shops, bar tender, music store, coffee house, librarian and on the weekends I wanted to volunteer at the Animal Hospital. I didn't want to do just one thing, I wanted to do everything. I laugh at how ridiculous this sounds but I am smiling ear to ear as I write this because I know in my heart I still want to live that crazy life style. 'tk' I snap back to the present, some time along my reminisce I had turned to look out the window and was fixated on air."You look pretty when you do that but after five minutes I started worrying if you'd ever come back." "I definitely didn't want to," I sighed a deep sigh of nostalgia before I continued "Everything was so much more simple then, I can't believe we wanted to grow up. Now we're adults and this sucks and all I want to do is go back." I continue working on my application only to drift back to those ideas I had as a kid. I exit out of the application and start searching for bars that are in our area. There isn't really a whole lot of options in this town. You have your biker bars, the country bar, the dance clubs and restaurants. 'tk' Maybe I could become a stripper. "Don't smile like that Miss Ray, people will know you're thinking dirty thoughts." "Shut up Keith, you're the only person who can read my mind." I weigh the options in my mind. This is crazy. But I'm just crazy enough to do it. I need a little bit more adventure in my life. Maybe this was meant to happen. "Ok Missy lets go but first you have something in your hair." I look up just in time to see him blow a piece of napkin through a straw and launch it into my long thick hair. 'tk' He smiles.

Another New Beginning

The afternoon is bright and beautiful, orange and yellow flecks of leaves already liter the lawn as I sit cross legged in the shade sipping some tea. And this is good company; The sunshine, a cool patch of grass, my iPod, a tall glass of ice cold peach tea and my thoughts, alone and lonely. The combination is ideal, I look beyond my neighborhood to the mountains and listen to the cars pass on the road below me. What does my future hold. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manage my way out of this one. It's not the tribulations who make me who I am or who I will be, it's how I get through them. So this is it, yet another test from some divine power up above just beyond our sight and reach.

I can't help but to feel an over whelming surge of energy of my new found life, the things I am about to do, the things I'm about to see. I'm taking a new path in life and I can't help but to be excited for what comes next. The possibilities aren't limited to the sky, no, the sky is the limit for those who have wings, but the universe is the limit for those of us who dream. I can tell you know, I certainly am dreaming that's for damn sure. I don't know whats going to happen to me and I'm not sure if that is what I should be completely concerned about. I know that I am going to be okay. I know that I am going to survive. Survival is an instinct, but I've got a game plan.

The sweet sorrow of this reality hurts me but I know that this pain is only temporary. Soon enough I will be able to be happy to the ultimate fullest minus one thing, or I should say, minus one person. But that person has already made up his mind. Wish I could change it, but wishing never got anyone any where.

So, here's to my new life, exploring my options and possibilities and talents through a new job. That happiness comes first and not in a dollar amount written in ink with my name on it. More play time with my children, less arguments with my ex husband. Love for myself, my family, my closest friends. Here's to new friends in new places. To new adventures, new memories. Cheers!

Live a Little

Sunday afternoon, a day of relaxation. First thing about myself is that I hardly ever relax. Unless I'm reading my books over coffee in the early morning or blogging I'm usually on a constant Go Go Go. There are things to do and people to see, chores, work or favors for friends and family. I do get the occasional adventure and most recent one was just yesterday.

In order to avoid walking home in this late summer heat I braved a ride on the back of a motorcycle. I was terrified. I hate not being in control in situations where I know physical pain is a possibility. I was nervous, shaking even before I even accepted the offer.

Safety first, squeezing the helmet on sighing deeply to ease my anxiety. I fumbled around blindly with a chin strap that was unfamiliar. "Here, let me help you" I leaned my head back and looked toward the sky wondering if this was going to be the last time I would ever see clouds again. I shook with fear again. "Would you rather walk?" It's August, the heat is suicide and I was wearing pants and dress shoes, not something that is ideal for walking other than around the office. So I shook my head. I couldn't believe my friend forgot to pick me up. They say when one door slams shut in your face another door opens. This has proved to be true time and time again. So there I was, feeling like a fish in a bowl with that helmet on. This was an interesting perspective and I could see the terror in my own eyes being reflected off the shield that kept the wind out of my eyes.

I looked at that motorcycle, it seemed so dangerously small and I questioned the stability of it. Shining in the suns light, leaning on it's stand. Deep breath Kelli Ray, everything is going to be alright. Nothing is going to happen. You're going to laugh at yourself when you're home safe and sound. I didn't even know where to put my feet. "Keep your leg away from the exhaust, sit naturally and fight the urge to lean away from turns. We don't want to fall over." oh Lord "Wrap your arms around my torso that when we turn you'll lean with me and it won't be a problem. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Was my horror that obvious? I looked down at the ground, my body was shaking. Another deep breath and I climbed onto the motorcycle. The engine roared and the bike shook a new fear into me. We were off, the sudden lurch startled me and tested my hold, Thankfully I had a death grip on him or I'd have been sure to fall off.

We hit two Round about's and one stop light. The ride was short and when I finally put my feet back on the ground, where I like my feet to be, I exhaled for the first time it felt since I got on the motorcycle. I was afraid and my fear definitely seems silly now. Maybe that's why my friend sent her fiance to pick me up. I recalled our conversation earlier this week, she was on lunch from work, a job she loves but loves even more to complain about. It was my day off so she came to my house as she usually does. "You need to live a little!" I looked down at my tea "Come on, it's been a year since you and your husband split up. What have you done? What have you seen?" She looked at my questioningly as if my silence proved her point. "I've gone to a concert." I said a little more harshly than I intended. "Well excuse me but ONE concert is NOT living Kelli Ray. You need an adventure, a road trip, a one night stand for hell's sake." I laughed because that is just like her to say something of that nature. She's bold, confident and beautiful. Honest, sometimes more honest than I can stand but she helps me pull my head out of my ass from time to time when I really need it. She likes making decisions for me and I don't mind because if she didn't I more than likely wouldn't take the initiative to do a lot of things. Like getting on the back of a motorcycle.

"How was it? Did you shit yourself?" I could hear the excitement in her voice "It was good and no I didn't shit myself." I laughed as my imagination made cartoons of a different story line on the situation. "Yeah I heard you have quite the grip." I laughed again before she continued "We have a group going to Pine View, want to come?" I had nothing better to do "Suuure, we're riding motorcycles through the canyon aren't we?" "YUP!" Smiling I told her I'd be ready in twenty minutes.

Brand New Start

How refreshing, starting a new blog. Just in time too, my creativity is back in full swing and there's no stopping me. I can feel it, bubbling inside me. I'm ready to burst. It's like cabin fever, trapped in your own mind. Turning and twisting the ideas and emotions over, over again.

That's where I've been. Held prisoner in my own thoughts. Nothing new coming in, nothing going out. My thoughts have been ghosts from my past, actions, advice I should have taken and things I did. I've come to the realization that I cannot change what has happened but I sure as hell can control what is to come. To an extent. But that's good enough for me. I'm ready to take charge of my future and make it my own. So this is it, this is my life.